Mismatched kink, sexual incompatibilities,
divisive desires—whatever you want to call it—there’s nothing wrong with it,
and there are more than enough ways therapists and counselors can help their
clients get over these hurdles.
Despite physical, mental, or
spiritual connections, it’s completely normal for partners to be incompatible
in the bedroom. That said, media depictions of “healthy” relationships often
represent couples who find one another attractive and immediately know all the
right things to say and do during intercourse, leaving out all the awkward,
uncomfortable moments that might happen during an authentic encounter. In turn,
this makes real-world couples feel “broken,” as they search for the reasons why
things aren’t quite working out.
Kink incompatibilities play out
differently across the entire spectrum of relationships,
but it’s up to both partners to understand their role to reach healthy
boundaries that don’t eliminate play altogether.
Understanding
As a therapist, first, you’ll want to
assure your clients that this is not a cause for concern. Kink incompatibilities
are entirely normal at the beginning of new relationships, and they can even
become prevalent in long-term relationships, as each partner transforms over
the years.
Communication
Like most challenges within sexual
partnerships, the best place to start is with communication. I often work with
clients who are both submissive. When each partner is used to being lead in the
bedroom, it can feel impossible for either one to step out of their comfort
zone and say exactly what they want.
Communication is the foundation.
And your clients will soon notice that once they take the time to express their
desires with one another outside of the bedroom, it helps both of them
understand boundaries to ensure a safe and healthy experience.
When there’s a line of communication,
partners start to feel more open to trying things they might have never even
considered, especially when their partner is expressing that this is something
they enjoy.
Baby
Steps
When there is kink incompatibility in
a relationship, it’s going to take time for both partners to find common
ground. This part is essential for your patients to understand. One night will
not level the playing field. Each partner has to ease into their role, checking
in with one another to make sure that each experience has been comfortable.
Flexibility
& Understanding
Perhaps some things will just never
work? That’s ok, too! Each partner should be willing to compromise some of
their desires, working to find a balance that allows each
person to get a piece of what they want—without crossing any boundaries.
Step
Away
When your clients have tried to make
it work, but the pieces just aren’t fitting together correctly, it may be time
for them to step away from the relationship.
However, this depends on how
prevalent sex is in their lives. For some people, having an enriching sexual
experience is a core part of their being. For others, it’s not that important.
Your patients will have to be honest with themselves about how big of an impact
this will make on their lives.
That said, some kink
incompatibilities simply can’t be resolved. For example, if one partner has the
desire to be with multiple partners at one time, and the idea of this causes
pain or anguish for the other partner, this may be a difference that’s not
reconcilable.
Move
Forward
Once your client is ready to open up
to a new relationship, they’ll have a better idea of their boundaries—where the
lines are blurred & the types of kink they simply can’t accept.
Are you ready for a quickie? The
three-course sex therapy bundle is here, and with the opportunity to earn 9
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Wouldn't it be a good idea to create a course?
